Discover Your Love Needs

How to Believe that Love Can Happen to you? In the fields of philosophy and psychology, eight different types of love are usually discussed.  Since each type of love seems to correspond to a certain need we have, I decided to connect them to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  This hierarchy supposedly determines our motivation for seeking out certain relationships.  Maslow’s hierarchy of needs ties the person’s development into stages of need fulfillment that have to be met in a specific order in order for an individual to reach their full potential.

Physiological Needs

Physiological Needs which are based on physiological constraints such as food, clothing, shelter, sleep, and biological drives.  If these needs are not met, our desire for them can overwhelm the consciousness of the individual.  We aren’t able to love if these basic needs are not met.  

Safety Needs

Safety Needs which are based on a desire to be able to predict what will happen because the world is stable has a certain order.  The ability to predict also supports the belief that we have some control over what occurs.

Storge is the type of love that is based in a fondness due to consistency.  This is usually described as the love shared between parents and children since parents are usually the first people to help us meet our safety needs.  

Belonging and Love Needs

Belonging and Love Needs which are based on the belief that we belong to a part of a group and we have been accepted by others.

• Philia is one of the types of love that is associated with these needs.  Philia can best be described as the caring and affection that we feel for friends.

Esteem Needs

Esteem Needs are broken down into two subcategories.  

• The first type of esteem need is self-esteem. We have a need to believe that we are beautiful and good 5. Mania is the type of love that generally occurs with people who do not have enough esteem for self.  This type of love is a means to acquire self-value from another person.  They become extremely jealous and possessive of their partners and feel as though they “need” them.  Manic relationships tend to be codependent ones.
• The second type of esteem need is prestige esteem.  We have a need for others to believe we are lovable and admirable.  Ludus is a type of love that is playful and flirting.  Ludus mostly demonstrates that we are worthy of being someone’s partner, that other people think we are attractive.

Cognitive Needs

Cognitive Needs these are basically the needs we have to gain an understanding of the world, to have a rational basis for behavior.  

• Pragma is a type of love that is practical or duty based.  When we experience pragma we put our goals over physical attraction. 6.

Aesthetic Needs

Aesthetic Needs are the ones that have to deal with physical sensations of beauty (form, symmetry, pleasure, etc.). The type of love that corresponds to this need would be Eros.

• Eros is the type of love that is based primarily on physical attractiveness and is usually intense, sensual, and passionate.

Self Actualization Needs

Self Actualization Needs are based around the fulfillment of the self and making actual what was once possible by constantly striving to reach your potential becoming your potential realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

• Philautia is simply when you believe in yourself as a result of:
  1. Believing that you are beautiful or handsome
  2. Believing that you are lovable
  3. Believing that you are worthy

Self Transcendence Needs

Self Transcendence Needs are based on our spiritual or moral development when we value that which benefits others.

• Agape is the type of love that has is completely selfless, nonjudgmental, and compassionate.  

Now that we have covered all the different types of love and needs we have, you may be asking what this has to do with you? When I talk to most people about what they are looking for in a partner, they seem to discuss only one type of love.  A love full of passion and romance, of spending time with a person who is open enough to be vulnerable, thoughtful, and sacrificing.  This type of love is a recent development in western civilization.  In many societies for most of human history, marriage was an institution to strengthen political and economic ties between groups of individuals.    Since marriage was for mostly pragmatic reasons, love was usually reserved for mistresses.   Until the late 18th century, the very love that most people seek today in romantic relationships was considered by most a threat to marriage.   I state this history for two very important reasons

•  There is an infinite number of ways to experience love with another person.

I remember when I was engaged and told people that I didn’t love my fiancé, people looked at me with disgust and amusement.  A few well-meaning friends even tried to convince me that I shouldn’t get married.  This probably would have led me to stop believing in love or stop believing that I am lovable.  Fortunately, I understood that I cared about him, that it was perfectly acceptable that I didn’t feel those intense passionate feelings for him.  It was enough that I felt safe, supported, respected, and appreciated.  I felt I could trust my partner.  Those things meant more to me than experiencing romantic love from the beginning.

• One type of love is not inherently better than the others.  

Maybe the media portrayals of intense passionate love as the only type of love that is relevant for romantic attraction have caused you do not believe in love, but the truth is that everyone is on their own journey.  You are a unique creature, making only one type of love acceptable for romantic partners would be the same as forcing everyone to want the same things.  You have the amazing opportunity to decide what love works for you.  Who knows what you need to be happy with yourself and your partner better than you right?      

References

1. Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50, 370-396.
2. Maslow A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50, 370-396.
3. Maslow A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50, 370-396.
4. Maslow A. H. (1970). Motivation and Personality. New York, NY: Harper and Row.
5. Maslow A. H. (1970). Motivation and Personality. New York, NY: Harper and Row.
6. Maslow A. H. (1970). Motivation and Personality. New York, NY: Harper and Row.
7. Maslow A. H. (1970). Motivation and Personality. New York, NY: Harper and Row.
8. Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50, 370-396.
9. Coontz, S. (2005). Marriage, a history: From obedience to impimacy or how love conquered marriage.  New York, NY: Penguin.  
10. Coontz, S. (2005). Marriage, a history: From obedience to impimacy or how love conquered marriage.  New York, NY: Penguin.
11. Coontz, S. (2005). Marriage, a history: From obedience to impimacy or how love conquered marriage.  New York, NY: Penguin.

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