HOW NOT TO LET YOUR OLD HURTS PREVENT THE GROWTH OF NEW LOVE

Author: Cody Moreau

We’ve all been burned once or twice, or seven, or nine times. Breakups hurt, and there’s not much you can do to prevent it. That, however, shouldn’t stop us from trying; emotional pain can sometimes be healthy, as in grieving. When we don’t allow ourselves to grieve, we’re hurting our emotional health, hoarding all that pain and storing it away somewhere dark.

Here’s the problem; that pain will resurface eventually, usually when you open yourself to someone emotionally. I think we can all agree: this is a recipe for disaster in a relationship. Just because it makes sense, doesn’t mean it’s easy to do. When you think of how people typically deal with breakups, the same reactions come to mind: drinking, partying and finding comfort in the company of a few too many people. It’s seen as part of a normal, healthy grieving process when instead, it’s avoidance. That’s simply replacing pain with pleasure, another way to bury something hard to deal with.

Pent-up pain is a sure way to poor emotional health.

As you explore your love life, fine-tuning your dating skills and searching for someone special, it may be a good idea to do a little bit of introspection along the way. Is there resentment you’re still holding against someone? How could that influence future relationships? It’s not easy to discern what will or won’t upset you about another person until it happens, to be sure; but, when you think back on intimate partners who’ve hurt you in the past, do one or two circumstances immediately come to mind, and cause real emotional pain? There’s a good chance something is still there that you need to think on and explore.

Keep in mind, no one’s expecting you to be perfect when you walk into a relationship; and if that is the expectation, then that person isn’t right for anyone, because no one’s ever going to be perfect, or even close. It’s our flaws that make us unique, that teach us to build character, and make us who we are. But, if you know that you’ve struggled with trust issues ever since your last spouse, and you know it’s already done damage in your personal life, deal with it before you consider a long-term relationship with someone. It wouldn’t be fair to them, or yourself, if you try and build a life on a cracked foundation.

Don’t think this is for anyone else but you.

Yes, of course, this will help you in your love life, but making the effort to cope with trauma in your life in a healthy way should be something you do for yourself. Grudges hurt you more than they hurt the other person; let go, and embrace new relationships as just that: new. They’re an entirely different person, with a different background and set of beliefs from the person who hurt you in their past. Give them a chance if they seem worth it.

At the same time, understand the consequences for your relationships.

Symptoms of people with pent-up emotional pain include anger, irritability, mood swings, fear, withdrawing from others, and feeling disconnected or numb. Don’t believe for a second that suppressing emotional hurt is something you’ll be able to hide forever. It will come out sometime, with someone, and the results won’t be pretty.

Part of deciding that it’s time for you to have a passionate, fun, long-term relationship with someone who you love is dealing with what’s hurt you in the past. You’ll improve your life in every facet; your mental and emotional health, relationships, level of confidence, and the difficult skill of forgiveness. As a team of individuals who work day-in and day-out so that our clients can find fulfillment and happiness, it’s our mission to help our members engage themselves, to become the best version of themselves they can be.

Happiness is a choice, regardless of what you may hear. Just as in your career life, position yourself in a way that sets you up for success in your love life by making the right choices to better yourself. After all, love, happiness and a better tomorrow aren’t bad goals to keep.