There are two ways a date can go. You could utilize their savviness in the art of seduction; the gradual, torturously wonderful build-up of intimacy. Casual touches, well-placed and even-spaced compliments, a look of desire in your eye; all these and more can add up to a scintillating, meaningful, enthralling experience, all possible using only your wit and sexual prowess.
That’s situation number one. Yet, from time-to-time, everything you’ve ever learned about human connection disappears from your head when you sit down face-to-face with a person you’re attracted to. Your communication skills devolve into that of an uncomfortable teenager, and anything interesting about your life suddenly seems snore-inducing. Instead of suave and sexy, your stare of desire is wide-eyed, intense, creepy, and your tongue feels like lead.
That’s situation number two. In most cases, the fault isn’t your own on first dates. Meeting new people one-on-one can be an awkward experience in any environment. Hopefully, our tips on what to do—and what to avoid—on the first date can help you be the alpha-dater you know you are. That way, you always land in situation number one. Let’s go big, and start with the most important one to avoid.
Don’t talk about anyone you’ve dated on a first date.
I know what you’re thinking: “Obviously, why would I do that? This article sucks, next one.” But before you move on, consider this: would it be such common advice if it weren’t a common occurrence? Now that your argument to move on has been foiled, keep in mind that no one who dates you–in the effort of hopefully building a relationship–wants to think about you being with other people. The first encounter is about you and your date, and that’s it.
Even if a story that involves your ex directly pertains to your conversation with your first dates, and you’re thinking the risk might be worth a shot at getting some chuckles, bite your tongue quickly and find something else to say. It’s never a good sign to anyone when exes come up in conversation on the first date, no matter how innocent it seems. Some part of them will invariably and inevitably believe that there’s someone in your past you haven’t moved on from. Just don’t do it.
Do ask a lot of questions.
Your date wants to know that you’re invested in them; what better way than to ask questions? Ask about their career, their family, their hobbies, what they do on the weekends, where they’ve traveled, their goals, about their pets, anything you’re curious about that falls within the realm of appropriate things to ask on a first date. These questions are the building blocks for the foundation of a budding relationship, but the reason for asking them is twofold.
Not only does it make your date feel like they’re interesting, but it gives you a chance to observe how they respond. Are their answers short, and to the point? Maybe they need to loosen up a little more before conversing; tell some jokes, have a light conversation that you think your date would find funny or easy to relate to. Do they reciprocate, responding to you and asking the same questions in return? Your date may be consciously putting forth the same effort as you, meaning they find you attractive and interesting as well, a good sign. Are their responses lengthy, have they mentioned their ex twice, or they have they bothered to ask you a single question? If they’re not putting any effort in getting to know you, maybe it’s time to find a new date.
Don’t talk about any one thing for too long.
Unless your date seems genuinely interested—at times, even then—don’t talk about anything for too long. Again, the point of a first date is to get what you could consider a synopsis; an overview of their career, family life, hobbies, and to find out if there is any natural chemistry between the two of you.
Just as seduction is an art, so is a conversation; try to pay attention to when it may be a good time to transition to a new topic, or when to stick with a topic that got your date talking. For instance, if your date asks about your career, don’t go into fine-print detail about your latest merger, or petty office drama. Keep the conversation interesting, relevant, and lively. They may be interested in your career, but your date’s genuine curiosity tends to dwindle when you blabber on too long about yourself, or anything at all, and then your date becomes nothing but a polite sounding board for your thoughts. Not so much fun for them, and not very beneficial for you, either.
Do involve physical touch in your date.
This may be one of the most beneficial, or potentially detrimental aspects to any date. More attractive than anything—how you look, how you dress, what car you drive—is confidence. We’re all attracted to confident people, individuals who seem like they have it all together and know it. We’re also all turned off by arrogance and conceit; dating, like relationships are, is a balancing act. At once being yourself but also keeping in mind that you’re trying to relate to another person and that it’s not all about you. Don’t inflate your head too much before a date, but be confident; touching your date’s hand when they make a joke, a light touch on their arm when you’re telling a story, let them know you’re into them and paying attention. If you’re attracted to them, and they’re attracted to you, don’t be afraid to take a chance. At their doorstep (or even before), give them a kiss; don’t be a wuss, because you know you’ll regret it if you don’t try, whether they kiss back or not. Physical attraction is an enormously important part of any intimate relationship, and there’s no reason to be ashamed or shy about it. But, as a disclaimer: don’t be pushy. If they’re standoffish in any way, just know that something didn’t go well for them, and move on. Pay attention to their body signals and your own feelings about them as indicators of how far is acceptable to go to let them know you’re interested.
Don’t get controversial.
Off-limit topics during a first (second, and third) date include, but are not limited to: abortion, the death penalty, a presidential election, global warming, puppy mills, terrorism, stem cell research, drug laws, the existence of alien life, anarchy or anything else controversial or up for debate. While it’s important to learn what your date’s values are, topics like these can completely kill the buzz of what could have been a great time with a great person. If, a few months into a relationship, you’re still dying to know if your new partner thinks shocking people to death is okay, or if you’re losing sleep because they might own a real leather jacket (in which case you’d have dump pig’s blood over their head), go ahead and ask. Just leave it out of your first few dates.
Do stick to your values.
If you’re a man, pay for dinner. If you’re a woman, expect dinner to be paid for. It’s social etiquette; whether you’re tightfisted with your manly cash, or as a woman cater to the feminist movement, and would be offended by the assumption that dinner was to be bought for you, just stick to tried-and-true dating manners. There’s a reason they call them “tried-and-true.” If you don’t kiss on the first date, but you really like the person you went out with, find another way to show them that you’re attracted to them, and would like to see them again, but don’t compromise just to appease your date. Compromising core values is the perfect way to build resentment against another person; not a great start to a budding relationship. Be honest with yourself and your date, and don’t allow yourself to be forced to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing.
At the same time, don’t sit in the safety of your comfort zone, because it’s not safe; if anything, “comfort zones” are destructive. Being comfortable is fine, staying comfortable is bad. Has anyone, in the history of the world, lived a comfortable life without risks, and grown prosperity out of poverty? Who has ever just fallen into an incredible, rewarding, enriching relationship with another person, where the love runs so deeply that it becomes a part of your person? Who is happy living idly in a home built out of the scraps of another’s success? Alright, this may be getting a little too philosophical, but the point remains the same: assume your date is an interesting, insightful person, and treat them as such. Go with your gut and trust your instincts, and know that you won’t get anywhere without consistent effort. Be confident; if you know they’re not going to be the right fit, don’t cling on hoping for them to be something they never will. If you like them, and you feel like they like you, don’t be afraid to reach for their hand across the table as you talk, or to give them a kiss goodnight. But above all, have fun with it, because in the end, exploring the road to love with someone else is meant to be a wonderful walk.
“Be humble in your confidence yet courageous in your character.”