Trust is one of the most written about subjects in human relations, and that’s because almost everyone can relate on one thing: we’ve all been betrayed at some point, by someone. It can be a tough subject; affairs, secretive financial struggles, addictions, any breaking of a spoken or unspoken agreement that causes pain is considered a betrayal which may cause trust issues. Often, these past hurts carry into your future relationships and your perspective about most anything. Though we try our best, sometimes the burdens we shoulder to make it difficult to trust someone deeply enough to explore an intimate relationship.
For example, let’s say one of our clients was out with a match we’d found for them. They’ve been dating for some time now, and one night our client’s partner mentions their love for going to the movies. Little does that person know that our client experienced a bad breakup from a long-term relationship right after coming home from the theater, and every time they think of the movies they’re brought back to that pain. It’s not that those types of thoughts or emotions are wrong to have–because they’re not–but rather how you deal with them that will make an impact, negative or positive, on your dating life.
You have to overcome your trust issues, learn to trust yourself and your new partner enough to be able to open up, and possibly show them some ugly scars. Going back to the example above, don’t expect your date not to notice if you seem touchy about certain subjects; the situation will only be exacerbated by not sharing.
Your partner knows something is wrong, but the communication isn’t being provided. It’s not being suggested here that you go into elaborate detail about how you’re still picking up the broken pieces of your soul with everyone you date; that’s not the best dating etiquette. The goal is to come to an understanding that this new person you’re seeing isn’t the person you were with. They’re a different person, with a different past, and most likely a different set of morals and beliefs. Don’t let old pain prevent new joys.
It’s fundamental to keep in mind that your new partner may also come with trust issues of their own, which need to be ironed out early. So, how then; what are some ways with which couples can overcome trust issues, build trust, and parallel to it, communication? Here are six proven ways to build trust in an intimate relationship. Grab the popcorn.
1. Define what trust means to you, and your partner.
What are the boundaries of your relationship? What is each of your expectations of the other? Establishing clear and reasonable standards in a relationship is essential to its success, as it performs several functions: it develops good communication early in the relationship, prevents misunderstandings later on, and shows your partner that you’re invested in their well-being and happiness.
Remember, be open to making changes–positive ones, of course–if there is a real connection there. Don’t miss out on a great opportunity; overcome your fear of change.
2. Don’t cancel plans, especially if you’re the one who made them.
Consistency is the key to success to so much in life: relationships, careers, hobbies, making edible cheesecake (if you’re wondering, it didn’t go well)–all these can be enhanced and mastered with consistent effort. If you make plans to go to bowling, have your partner’s shoes and a lane ready for them when they get there. If you planned a scenic drive up the coast, take a few hours to clean your car out and make sure the top still goes down.
Plan and make time for your date; if you don’t, you’re not only going to come off as disrespectful but inconsistent. It’s hard to trust in something that always changes. If you have an emergency, they’ll understand; if there’s no emergency, don’t make excuses, because everyone knows an excuse when they hear one.
3. Be consistent with other people, too.
When your partner sees that you always make sure to call your mom on Sundays, when they notice that you’re always respectful toward your coworkers, when they observe your habit to always say “please” and “thank you,” you create and build trust.
But, when you forget to feed your cat for two days (that’s not a personal anecdote–don’t judge), and your voicemail is full of your grandmother’s unheard check-ins, your partner’s mind is going to immediately drop your trustworthiness down a few pegs, whether they consciously recognize it or not.
4. Do favors for each other.
Now, don’t go overboard and start asking for favors; requesting your spouse to polish your vehicle’s rims or to pay your mortgage might be jumping the gun. But it is healthy for couples to provide a certain level of help to one another.
This is intrinsic to a productive relationship; if your partner is swamped with work, their dog needs to be let out, and they don’t have milk for their cereal in the morning, go for a walk with Thunder and buy them a gallon. Actions speak louder than anything, so make the effort; laziness and neglect are necrotic to a relationship.
5. Make a reasonable effort to invest yourself in your partner’s interests.
Again, no need to push the limits here; if your partner trains exotic animals, you don’t need to go purchase a tarantula to impress them. Well, maybe–we all have our quirks. Either way, start small. If they like to read, ask to borrow one of their favorite books, and have a conversation with them about it afterward. When they go to the gym after work, join them a few days a week and get your sweat on together. If spending time with their kids is important to them, suggest that you two and the kids go out for a bite to eat.
This will counter one of the most common insecurities that plague relationships: wondering if your partner really loves you for who you are. By showing an interest in their interests, you prove that what they enjoy matters to you, and that you care about them enough to make the effort.
6. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
If you go on call for work every Friday night, it’s probably not a good idea to promise Friday as your date night, even if it’s what you’re partner wants. Maybe you don’t get called in for months, but when all of a sudden you’re gone for three Fridays in a row–even if your partner understands the demands of your career–they’re going to become frustrated because they were promised something other than what you’re providing.
Be consistent, reasonable and honest with your promises and following through with them. Don’t make promises that will compromise the emotional security of your relationship, but always make an effort to become better for your partner, and yourself. Make promises that you know you can fulfill, not pseudo-promises just to appease your partner; that’s what builds trust and grows intimacy in a relationship, a passionate effort to always take care of one another.
In short: be consistent, be honest, and be in it out of a genuine desire for a strong relationship with the other person. Have a clear, shared vision of what a trusting relationship looks like. Day in, day out, aspire to achieve that vision, and you’ll be sharing popcorn at the movies together well after you’re up for a senior discount.