11 Signs your Partner Is Not Going to Propose

Editor | Emily Sussman

Relationships are complicated. That’s the understatement of the century, right? So why do we choose to be a part of these messy, complex puzzles? For a lot of people, the goal is marriage. Someone to spend the rest of your life with. A best friend that you’ll grow old with. For others, that’s not quite their end-game—marriage isn’t in their sights. So how can you tell which group your partner is a part of? Here are a few signs they’re not looking for happily-married-after:

1.) They act distant after a conversation about marriage.

Acting distant is a tactic they might use because they do not want to lead you on or give you the wrong impression. Most people hate making their partner cry when they think they need to break up. They don’t actually want to break your heart, so they avoid breaking your heart by becoming distant.

2.) They don’t understand why anyone should get married.

Listen, marriage is not for everyone. It doesn’t fix any problems. It doesn’t make you incredibly happy. I always like to say that marriage is not an indication of a successful relationship. Here’s why: how many people do you know who have been divorced or are going through a divorce? How many are not divorced, but they are extremely unhappy? The people who choose to marry have strong, compelling reasons for wanting marriage, and they are willing to do whatever it takes to create a happy one. If you want marriage, then be sure that your partner understands why, and ask them if they find marriage to be an important life goal someday. Be sure to discuss both of your viewpoints openly, so there are no surprises about it in the future.

3.) They don’t make your beliefs or values a priority.

Communication about your and your partner’s core values is an important aspect of a healthy relationship. This goes both ways: you should respect their ideas, and they should respect yours. Misaligned values is oftentimes a red flag that can end in major misunderstandings and, ultimately, a break-up. Be sure that both of you are comfortable discussing any differing beliefs. If the two of you can come to a respectful understanding about the other’s values, then you’re set! If not, then perhaps it’s time to move on.

4.) They mention that you are moving too fast.

Ok, let’s clear something up. It is incredibly rare that people fall in love with each other at the same time. Usually, people fall in love at different paces, and that’s ok. If your partner is indicating that you are moving too fast, then your pace is faster than theirs. You can save the relationship by slowing down and expressing love at the same pace that they do. If they mention you are moving too fast, and you don’t change how you express your interest in the relationship, then you may lose them for good. Being in need of constant attention will repel your lover. Remember, you are each still your own person, and you still should be even though you’re in a relationship. The best relationships are made between two individuals that make each other better, not two individuals that need each other to succeed. There are strategies for suggesting moves in a relationship that won’t feel rushed or needy.

5.) Your partner is avoidant.

Attached, “The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love” by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, is a great book that explains attachment styles. Avoidant personalities really have to work hard at connecting with their spouses. They want to run at the idea of being closer. They are avoiding getting close because they want to avoid getting hurt. Identify this trait early on and work on helping to break down the unique fears associated with a lifelong commitment.

7.) Your partner is still wondering what else is out there.

Okay, this is a tough one to figure out, because they are unlikely to tell you flat-out that they are curious about other options. They are happy with you, so there is no need to leave right now. However, in the back of their mind, they are curious about what other options are out there, because they need to know they are making the right decision. While this may seem like a good idea to them, this isn’t fair to you! You want your partner to be 100% present in your relationship, and if they aren’t, then marriage may not be in the books for the two of you right now.  

8.) They have very different future goals.

This should be a concern for you too, especially if marriage is on your mind. If their goals are different, they may be trying to envision you fitting into them, or they have already decided that you don’t fit what they want and are just staying around because it is convenient. To avoid this, talk about your major life goals! College, career, location, children, and religion are just a few major topics to address before moving forward.

9.) Your partner is the only one orgasming.

If the intimacy in bed seems to be only about their own personal physical climax, then they may not care about pleasing you sexually. However, if they are trying to please you, but there is a lack of communication about how to make the big “O” happen for you, then it is time to start. Communication is key, especially when it comes to climaxing. You’re welcome!

10.) They believe that you will “let yourself go” after tying the knot.

People want to be loved for who they are. One stigma around getting married is the idea that as soon as you tie the knot, physical health (and therefore appearance) goes out the window. Your partner may be scared of the ways you may change with the promise of a long-term commitment. While physical appearance isn’t everything, physical and mental health are both very important issues. One way to ensure that both of you maintain healthy lifestyles is to talk about it! Set health and fitness goals together that will continue into your future. A healthy lifestyle signifies longevity.

11.) They are concerned about your financial responsibility.

This is a tough topic for every couple, but it needs to be discussed. If your lover is concerned that you will spend all of their money, then they will be hesitant about marriage. If you have bad credit, poor budgeting skills, or a lot of debt, they may be unsure about joining finances. How much you make won’t matter to everyone, but fiscal habits are important to address, especially if they are potentially detrimental. Always be working or improving your financial practices and share with your partner your thoughts about money.

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• Do you find yourself wondering:
  • How should someone approach a conversation about marriage?
  • Is it important Do to talk about early on in a relationship?